We all had big and bold ideas for lockdown—a sourdough starter, a sewing machine, “couch to 5K”, The Kama Sutra. But as week after week of lockdown passed, motivation to try new things dwindled. New hobbies took a backseat, and so did new sex positions. Relationships were put to the test with strict lockdowns and closed borders, keeping us too close or too far apart. If your sex life lost its spark this year, you’re not alone.
Now that freedom is calling, here are our top tips for couples looking to reignite the spark and connect more intimately:
Sensate focus
Sensate focus is an exercise in giving and receiving touch. It’s a way to add new sensual dimensions to your bedroom and rediscover what feels pleasurable for you and your partner. Take turns being either the giver or receiver of touch. When you are receiving touch, focus on the sensations you’re experiencing. The key is not to try to reciprocate, but simply to notice how it feels to be touched in different ways and places. Of course, communicate if any touch makes you uncomfortable and set those boundaries beforehand.
As the giver of touch, use your hands to explore the various textures of your partner’s body. Vary the firmness or tempo of your touch. Notice the difference between touching with just your fingertips and using your whole hand. Start with non-genital touching, ideally while both of you are naked. Spend 15 minutes giving or receiving non-genital touch. The point of this exercise is to find pleasure in new sensations or unexpected areas; focus on what feels good rather than what “should” be sexy.
Next, move on to genital and breast touching, with the same person giving the touch first. Remember, orgasm is not the goal here; sensate focus is about sensuality and discovering new forms of pleasure. Use this time to explore your partner’s body at a slow pace. Avoid kissing initially, as it might lead you back into familiar sexual patterns. After each partner has had their turn giving and receiving touch, move to mutual touching, using your newfound sensory awareness to focus on what it’s like to touch and be touched simultaneously.
Finally, try sensual sex. With increased awareness of physical sensations, go slowly and relax into the contact, connection, and arousal.
Create your own erotica
If you struggle with dirty talk, this might just be the alternative for you. Erotica is literary or artistic work that is sexually stimulating or arousing. There are several ways to create it with, or for, your partner. Consider writing a short erotic story and reading it to your partner. Tap into your desires, mind-map a plot, a scene, or an experience, and get it on the page. This is a great way to communicate your fantasies, and sharing them can feel safer than directly stating your desires. If you don’t feel comfortable reading it aloud, let them read it in front of you.
You could also try collaborating with your partner to write erotic fiction together. It doesn’t have to be Shakespeare; take turns writing what your characters want to do to each other. Be open to both your fantasies and those of your partner as you watch them unfold on the page. Alternatively, if you’re feeling artistic, try painting or sketching nudes of each other. Take time to really look at one another and enjoy being seen. Consider watching the French film Portrait of a Lady on Fire to set the mood.
Outside the bedroom
Spontaneity is the antithesis of routine, so try to be spontaneous with your partner. Send them a sext out of the blue to surprise them. Get explicit; describe your outfit, recount one of your hottest memories together, or share what you want to do to them as soon as they get home. This can build tension and excitement, especially if things have felt a bit stale.
Breaking up your routine is one of the best ways to reinvigorate a long-term relationship. New shared experiences lead to new conversations, discoveries about each other, and new things to enjoy together. Consider going to a class, trying a new restaurant across town, or meeting new people together. Any new shared experience can help foster intimacy.
Finally, now that our relationships can once again exist outside our homes, don’t forget to engage in non-sexual touch while you’re out and about. Touch is incredibly important for both connection and sensuality. It can be electric. Lightly touch your partner on the arm, the lower back, or the knee. You might just find yourselves leaving the party early.
By incorporating these intimacy-building exercises into your relationship, you can rediscover the joy of connection and pleasure. Embrace the opportunity to explore together, communicate openly, and keep the spark alive.
Image credit: @dudihasson1
